


cold wind in august.

by ffomixam



Series: tumblr requests. [19]
Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentioned Character Death, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 21:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18949432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ffomixam/pseuds/ffomixam
Summary: "Can you do a story where in the wake of homosexuality being legalized in the UK (1967, so around Sgt. Peppers) Paul decides to confide in Brian being attracted to a man (John, but obviously he wouldn't tell Brian straight up) and period appropriate feelings and confusion ensue?"





	cold wind in august.

Paul stood alone on Chapel Street Belgravia. His dark sunglasses made the towering apartment he stared up at look intimidating and bleak. He embraced his coat tightly against himself as he took breaths in an attempt to calm himself down before going up to knock. It was the house of his manager; Brian Epstein. And Paul had come for a talk. A talk he was slowly dreading more and more. And the option to throw himself back into his car and drive off seemed more and more tempting. A shiver travelled through his body and he took a deep breath before walking up the stairs to the door.

He raised his fist to knock but hesitated shortly before taking a few deep breaths and knocked curtly on the door. The door was soon opened up by Brian’s assistant Alistair Taylor. He looked surprised to see Paul.

Paul scratched his neck nervously and asked; “is Brian free to talk?”

“Uh, yes,” he nodded quickly and stepped aside to let Paul inside, “your visitation is just… unexpected!”

He laughed nervously and closed the door behind Paul. The lobby of the apartment was massive but looked no different than when Paul was here last time in May for the press launch of their latest album; Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Paul put his sunglasses into one of the pockets of his jacket as looked at the assistant and waited.

“I’ll… I’ll go tell Mr Epstein you’re here,” and he hurried off into one of the many rooms that connected to the lobby. Paul took his jacket off and held it tightly in his arms as he looked around the room. It was early August and really hadn’t needed to bring a jacket along. Especially as his time outside had been short between sitting in a car and now being indoors. But right now, it felt more like a makeshift comfort blanket than something to keep him warm.

“Paul!”

His attention turned to the incoming form of his manager. Brian looked tired but so he did often lately; Paul had noticed that the last couple of times they had met. “How, uh, are you?” Paul asked as they shook hands.

“Good… Good. You needed to talk?”

Paul nodded and Brian quickly lead him into the drawing room where the press launch also had been held. It held a large lit fireplace and Paul was seated on a couch near it. Brian gently took his coat from him and handed it to Alistair who returned to the entrance hall with it. Paul’s eyes followed the assistant as he left the room. His attention quickly returned to Brian who had seated himself on a couch on the other side of the sofa table that separated the two of them.

“So, Paul,” said man straightened up in his seat and took a deep breath as Brian continued, “what do you need to talk about?”

The older man looked concerned and Paul swallowed deeply as he started to feel rueful. He wetted his lips and glanced to the fireplace and watched the flames dance and lick the brick walls of their confined space. It calmed him slightly; or at least enough to look at the man who sat silently, waiting for Paul.

“I…” he took another deep breath,”y’know… last month when they enforced the… the Sexual Offences Act?” He waited before Brian nodded with a raised brow. “Well, it… it got me thinking and the thing is…” his hands were getting warm and damp with sweat as he fidgeted around with them, fighting to get his words out.

“That I realised that I’m in love… with a man,” his breathing stilled as he waited in anticipation for any kind of reaction from Brian. The older man slowly nodded as they looked at each other. “It’s, uh, not you,” Paul quickly added to change in reaction from Brian. “And you’re coming to me about it because… ?”

“You’re… y’know… the only homosexual I know.”

Brian glanced to the fireplace and got up while looking at it, “aren’t you dating a woman? The blonde photographer from Sgt. Pepper’s press launch? Ms Eastman?” He looked back to Paul as he stopped in front of the fire, his hands folded behind his back. Paul stayed seated.

“It didn’t work out. Not because of her! She’s a lovely girl… It’s just that… that… There’s someone else, y’know.”

He hurried up to stand next to Brian by the fire. Brian stood facing the fire while Paul faced him with a hand resting the decorative mantlepiece that hung above the hearth. Paul was a shaking mess; it was obvious, even as he worked so hard to try and hide it. A dusting of stubble was growing on his face as he had been too anxious the last few days to properly hold the razor, in so in fear of cutting himself; had completely forgone the shaving part of his morning ritual.

“Do I know this man?” Brian suddenly asked as he continued looking into the fire.

Paul answered hoarsely, “yes.”

Paul had known Brian long and well enough to see that he already knew who the man they were speaking of was exactly. Brian didn’t need to ask and Paul needn’t answer for them to have the same man in mind with certainty. Brian sighed and looked at Paul at the other end of the short fireplace. Clearly tired… remorseful.

“You don’t expect me to react positively to this news? That I will cheer you on and urge you to go ahead and start this… relationship?” Brian copied Paul and rested his own hand on the mantelpiece as he stared down Paul and continued, “while it is now  _legal_ ; it hasn’t changed people’s views. No matter the band’s success- it will destroy it,” he sighed. “Paul… there’s a reason why I’m alone,” his voice wavered and Paul bit down unto his the insides of his cheeks at the sight of an emotional Brian.

Brian backed away and looked back into the fireplace with his hands back to being folded behind his back as he watched the dwindling flames.

“It’s in your…  _our_  best interest to keep this quiet. For… For the band’s sake.”

Paul nodded quickly, “right,” tears willing their way out; despite his hard battle against it. He swallowed harshly and turned around with hasty steps towards the door. But stopped at the whisper of his name.

“Paul… I’m sorry,” he looked down his feet quietly, tears damping the leather of his shoes, before he rushed out the door and back into his car. Forgetting all about his jacket in the process. He cried in the car on his way home.

He did nothing about his feelings in the coming days. Nothing the coming weeks. Did his best to avoid John, for whom he felt so harshly, on the travel towards the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. And he didn’t cry again. Not before the 27th August at the news of the death of their manager. He broke down at the news and cried silently as he sat alone in his small room at the commune in India as he reflected on the last conversation he had with Brian.


End file.
